{"id":979,"date":"2019-05-23T17:07:23","date_gmt":"2019-05-23T22:07:23","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/johnniequezada.me\/jqme\/?p=979"},"modified":"2019-09-26T09:59:59","modified_gmt":"2019-09-26T14:59:59","slug":"wanted-it-miracle-worker-satire","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/johnniequezada.me\/jqme\/2019\/05\/23\/wanted-it-miracle-worker-satire\/","title":{"rendered":"Wanted: IT Miracle Worker (Satire)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Note: This is an older post from my Blogger days.<\/strong><\/b><\/span><\/p>\n

Allforusandnothingforu, an other-worldly, outsized outsourcing company, is looking for a super-duper IT guru. This ideal candidate will have a B.S., M.A. and PhD in everything, strong lying and passing the puck skills, the ability to lift 1000 pounds, be a team suck-up and adapt to the company\u2019s tunnel vision.\u00a0\u00a0Must be willing to be part of an on-call rotation and able to work 24\/7. We offer a competitive salary (as compared to Walmart), non-paid holidays, 2 weeks vacation (when we can spare you), generous (read Obamacare) health package and a 401k plan, guaranteed by a top Wall Street firm, to be there when you retire.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0Required<\/strong><\/b><\/span><\/p>\n

100 or more years of education related to the position<\/span><\/p>\n

Any of the following certifications: M.C.S.E., C.C.I.E., S.H.I.T., C.R.A.P. T.R.A.S.H. or any certifications we do not know much about, or put much stock in, but ask for because it sounds kool.<\/span><\/p>\n

100 years experience LAN\/WAN<\/span><\/p>\n

100 years experience programming \/ scripting<\/span><\/p>\n

100 years experience server administration<\/span><\/p>\n

100 years experience VoIP\/ PBX telephony<\/span><\/p>\n

100 years experience in a mixed up computing environment<\/span><\/p>\n

100 years experience with Virtualization \/ Surrealization<\/span><\/p>\n

Strong desire to learn how to steal the ideas of others<\/span><\/p>\n

Ability to communicate (i. e. lie, pretend to care and coverup) effectively<\/span><\/p>\n

Desired<\/strong><\/b><\/span><\/p>\n

Experience with SQL Server, Citrix, help desk ticketing system, Java (the coffee) and\/or anything else we couldn\u2019t think of, will never implement but want just . . . well just because.<\/span><\/p>\n

PLEASE CLICK ON THE LINK (WWW.ALLFORUSNOTHINGFORU.COM<\/a>) WHICH WILL TAKE YOU TO OUR WEBSITE. THEN CLICK ON STAFF, EMPLOYMENT, CAREERS, WORK WITH US, JOBS, AND FIND, VIA THE USELESS SEARCH TOOL,\u00a0\u00a0THE DESIRED OPEN POSITION (RANDOMLY ORDERED) AND SUBMIT YOUR RESUME THROUGH OUR CONFUSING, TEDIOUS, EXCRUCIATING AND POINT-LESS APPLICATION PROCESS.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

NOTE: IMPORTANT!<\/strong><\/b><\/span><\/p>\n

Filling out the EEO survey is completely optional. Allforusandnothingforu does not discriminate on the basis of gender, creed, religious affiliation, race or sexual orientation. We believe everyone has the right to rewarding employment whereby they do the work and we pocket the money.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Note: This is an older post from my Blogger days. Allforusandnothingforu, an other-worldly, outsized outsourcing company, is looking for a super-duper IT guru. This ideal candidate will have a B.S., M.A. and PhD in everything, strong lying and passing the puck skills, the ability to lift 1000 pounds, be a team suck-up and adapt to […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[14,13,151,110],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-979","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-eco","category-pol","category-satire","category-society","post-preview"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/johnniequezada.me\/jqme\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/979","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/johnniequezada.me\/jqme\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/johnniequezada.me\/jqme\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/johnniequezada.me\/jqme\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/johnniequezada.me\/jqme\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=979"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/johnniequezada.me\/jqme\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/979\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":985,"href":"https:\/\/johnniequezada.me\/jqme\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/979\/revisions\/985"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/johnniequezada.me\/jqme\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=979"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/johnniequezada.me\/jqme\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=979"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/johnniequezada.me\/jqme\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=979"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}